I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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