I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize