Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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