Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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