like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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