I puked a lego.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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