Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
