I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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