I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
