You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
