Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
