After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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