Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
