Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's official drugs can't kill me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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