please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
