smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
