I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
