I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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