There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
