Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im holly from the hills drunk
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
