i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
