I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
