thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
