I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If I die, sorry about rent.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
