You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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