Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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