I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
time to smoke my breakfast
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
