I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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