I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
