Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
