I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
