CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
