hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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