I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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