I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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