Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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