from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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