she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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