Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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