Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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