I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Shame is for Republicans.
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