Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My cat gives me a boner
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
