I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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