I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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