you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
