he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
