i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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