Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize