Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
