i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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