I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
