I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
