grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
