you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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