your parents love me but you hate me
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
