like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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