What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
