I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
