I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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