How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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