You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
