he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
