He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
