i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
